Every Thursday she came in to the restaurant and he was her waiter, for 15 years. She was adventurous, she tried something new each time she sat down. Eventually he tested the cooks to come up with something new to surprise her. For 15 years this, she, was the highlight of his week. He was there for her every Thursday, including the Thursday she came in with him. He was there waiter. He took their order. He entertained them. He put the ring in her glass. He quietly bit his tongue. And in this show i watch every week she was actually awake during his confession but said nothing. Her husband made it out of surgery. the waiter did not. She never got to confess. He died never knowing, for 15 year.

So many shows have an episode with this scenario, and every time i think of the confessions id make. the secrets id finally let go. the girl id finally tell. This time though i cant think of anything, or anyone. Sure, sounds blissful, to die with no secrets. But it makes me incredibly sad that right now, if the end of the world was here, i would be entirely alone. And this is not helping the feeling of actually wanting a girl lately. Its really weird. Sort of coincidental that this is around Valentines Day. Makes me think this isnt real and its the dumb sap of this time getting to me. But more so feeds the fact that i NEED something that i have not a clue what it could be. Which eventually, down the long road of thoughts, makes me think i miss you. So i have to convince myself i dont by getting mad at the thought. But what am i really trying to convince myself? I dont like where this is going..

and sometimes i wish my mind wasnt black. these holes ive dug out, these doors ive closed, the lights i burnt out, i wish i never did. i dont remember a lot, but nothing stays gone. i dont know what might trigger this to try and resurface. im not afraid of it, i honestly would rather face a monster with a face than one i have no clue what it is.

and i dont stand a chance against the monsters that my mind creates


p.s.
i find it sad that i cant even post this on here. i cant post it or really say it all. its a draft on here, tumblr, written down and scribbled out. the one thing thats actually been on mind.

every day really is the same. if it wasnt for my phone id have no damn idea what day it was, like knowing really makes a difference. on the same note, like im off with days, im off with what time it is. it always feels later or earlier than expected. probably due to daylight savings but i have never taken this long to adjust. i seriously need something in my life to build some structure. every day is the same. hopefully i am waking up instead of continuing the day. waking up, i mean waking up around 4 pm. and its either a phone call from a friend, or just the act of opening my eyes. from there it really is just killing time. actually i hope i wake to a friend calling. honestly, i think being bored is the worse feeling. i mean at least with heart ache or whatever theres some motive. my mind is on something and there is a reason im feeling this fucking pain. i have no motivation, i have no direction. the only light in this dark tunnel i have are damp matches. the only possible way to find a way out and i have no idea how to make it work. i dont know.

i was watching men of a certain age today and i really liked it. i missed most of it but what i saw i liked and will watch it as soon as somewhere online has it. usually takes a week. anyways, i think its sad that i felt i could relate to the way these men in their mid 40's feel. but really does this boredom, this empty feeling like were losing sight of what we love and who we are, ever really go away? life is just distracting yourself so much that you never have the time to think about this. because youre an liar if youve never stared so deep into nothing and saw yourself in it.

im just killing time, yeah, before it kills me

more into my life. it fucking snowed! on the outskirts of tracy. HOLY FUCKING SHIT i was unaware of this business until it was too damn late. my eyes are out for you snow. its been bitter cold lately. needle point cold. i want it to snow heavily here. and if that happens i probably will wish it never did.

2 weeks till title fight. i really really want this to happen. i need it.

a little writing

stop, stop, stop tearing me open
just right when im no longer in
i always know when im back on your mind
these scars youve left seem to hurt every time
please let my eyes close tonight
its done, im done i swear that i am fine
every frown, every tear, you give to me, what for?
when every smile, every laugh, theyre all his to ignore
tonight you remember who i am
tomorrow its always 'whats his name?'
and ill tell you with my hand that a long time ago this ended
whether you smile or not isnt a burden for me to mend

I'm a realist I'm a romantic I'm an indecisive piece of shit

its not just one, i guess its all of it. i dont remember what they were exactly, just..

i feel like i have two sides when it comes to this. theres this hopeful person inside of me. one that is willing to hand over their heart given a chance to do so. one that will stand up for love when its not insight. the person i used to be i know is still here.
and there is another side. a darkened and damaged person who never admits to emotion. a hollowed chest member of the loveless whatever. who is fine being alone. who cant even manage to get close to someone. the person im becoming and maybe have already.

no side really has a greater pull. which really is in between who i was and am now. which leads a lot to my indecisiveness and blahblah. i say i am hopeful and i really try to be on every aspect in life. ( in a real sense, get over your god) i like to believe in love, even at times when its not for me. and that kicks in the other, i cant get close to someone, and i know i should like a girl, ill even say "wtf, why dont i like her". but even that statement brings back the other side. and that statement is a realization that i feel it, and that realization alone is enough to say "hey, you fucking like her you fuck" and ill throw in my analysis on girls which list reason after reason why a relationship is not the boat i want to be in. but who the fuck am i kidding, its all i really want. give me the chase, give me the challenge, give me your stubborn fucking self and make me rip my hair out! no id rather be alone. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

EXACTLY

i had no idea this other side had an existence really. but i said in a blog before that there are all kinda of trauma.

i love lord of the rings and this just reminds me a smeagol/gollum. yes.

sinking

storytime. because i can never just simply say what i feel or think.


before i fell asleep last night i forgot to lock the door. i wake up to a stale chilled air, slightly familiar, but not welcoming. before my eyes can focus on the walls around me and my feet touch the floor, i feel that crawling on the back of my neck. the door has been kicked wide open, nearly off the hinges. i have forgot the lock. a night with an open door, open to all the bugs, creatures, shadows, and screams of the night. immediately i am rushed with anger and swing at the beasts that have taken refuge in my home. nested and burrowed deeply are the creatures i constantly force and keep out. and that "im going to hate today" feeling i had felt even before i was awake has taken hold.

my fists clenched tightly, gripping freshly torn hair, i begin this cleaning process. cursing down the walls around me, picking fights at the smiles around, trying to find blame in a room with no mirror. first things first, i get the simple things out. things ive already ridden that like to creep back in. nostalgia cant help but sink in as im throwing it right back out. the familiar brush against the grain upon my finger tips. its hard to sort through the "clearly in the way once held treasures of the past." i found myself sitting against a wall holding these sought items, lost in the maps of then and now. regaining my grip of today as the sun stood where no shadows could be found, i throw out the rest knowing these gold pieces are now nothing more than bronze coated whatever.

after kicking and throwing back out the shadows of whenever, i now had the room to suck out the bone chilling screams. very difficult to get all the way out without hearing those haunting whispers. instead of being thrown into rage im brought to a stop with their words repeating and repeating in an eerie voice. the more and more i trek through the howls and growls the harder it is to to know where i am and why, i am. thrown off balance i stumble off trail. now aimlessly threading through streets i never wanted to feel, let alone see, again. a reality check to exactly what kind of nothing i am and will forever become. as the streets become dark, and the lights no longer pierce the night i am able to feel the fire that reminds me to breathe. to embrace my lack of motivation and actions to through caution at bay, dropping the map to the ground and venture out of the streets knowing no sort of direction. and now the trash bins overflowing and bags and bags from the vacuum lining the wall.

resting casual again in my comfort of home are the creatures that have slayed me down to the core. just the sight is difficult to bare, memories even worse. they are all the same and everywhere, i dont think i can escape. the similarities shine so bright they cannot be ignored to those who still walk the light. anger is too small of a word to describe the hate radiating from my eyes to fist. every flesh wound entered begins to open and stain blood red on the back of my shirt. so cold if the beat in my chest still had existed could push tears tinted with hate down my face. holding such items im brought to a locked grip. a soothing feel of cotton rest in my palm. the detested sent floats to my senses and im brought to the ground. i must hurry to bury these back. hung back up and not to be touched again i am close with one last.

i can not run from, not cleanse these walls, floor, nor skin with the bugs that burrow deep. quickly manifest and spread to every inch of myself. the disgust of the crawl, tick and buzz i cannot handle. a long life has never been granted to such evils, but an eternal scar branded upon anything it touches has its own life. no soap or spray can rid these marks of my skin. scar tissue waving like a flag draped across my flesh neighbored to the ink of me. i will never be rid of these. swept up and thrown into the closet, piles upon piles i shut the door. my trash, my burden i can not pass on to decompose become once again. the closet fills quickly and i must remember to lock the door so this mess does not spill out another night.

bringing everything i am back up right. rising to my feet again with the sun, i have locked the door again. its a haunting that must be overcome. calming tunes drown the air and the rest of my mind. brought back up to surface i can wave without drowning. realizing what you mean to me is more than i can ever say, well at least as much that i know right now. but who am i if i didnt say i dont care.

trauma drama

a trauma. thats all it is. like nearly drowning when you a child, and for the rest of your life you cant even manage the thought of being in a body of water greater than ankle deep. or any scenario you think fits better for you. something life changing. to alter your state of mind because of great pain, loss, sorrow, and all that good stuff. and as cliche, young, naive, or whatever you want to say, a broken heart can damn right be right up there with shark attack. and just like the fear you feel when water reaches your knees, that rush of nightmares that can make you freeze in the heat can be found in a familiar song, those sunsets that will always belong to her, that weakening scent, even a look like you catch in the far corner of your eye that nearly caused you to crash your car. even long after being over it, the effects are still there. the developed "type" to feeling you you cant get close to anything and eventually hate everything. that person you grew into believing you've learned and will always learn. the person you like to be is because of you. but really you havent learned at all because you will always feel the same way. and its not because of you at all and you have to remember them because they are why you are you. and you remember this all right before you go to sleep. and now theres only two ways to go. suppress this the very moment you wake to only think again that night, or let it drag on every day and become fond of the dead romantic society and push the image that your heartless and dont need everything you used to stand for to that you believe it too. even then it eventually catches up to you and you remember and think and write while listening to old mix's because you cant ever sleep and your alone for hours with the thought till you fall asleep and in the back of your thoughts you wonder when this memory will rush back to where you have no control.

joy

so im watching a dramatic scene of a tv show. to get you in the mood it can be a movie, music video, anything really. its a the kind of scene that makes your heart sink. where a person lets every wall down and you can look straight down the hall and see their heart. im honestly getting goose bumps just typing this. anyways. its the scene of extreme passion, love, fear, grief, life and all that good stuff. the scene im mentioning inparticular is a scene where she walks into work, a hospital, and her boyfriend, the man who she has been strung up and down and all around for 3 years, the man who just proposed to her, the man who dude a life size blue print of their future home in candles on the land he owns, and she will when they wed. she walks in all happy and hopeful, and she is the only one for miles with a smile. she turns to everyone and looks concerned and glances to the trauma room just behind everyone and it is that man, draped in tubes and braces and everything you would if you came out of an ambulance dying. her fellow co-workers giving all their life just to bring back a little of his. she is so confused and cannot grasp what is happening for a few seconds before she screams, no. ever doctor's head in that room look down in a nod. you can read the lips of a doctor announce a time of death. her rage, her sadness, that feeling of abandonment, sorrow, betrayal, everything she has erupts. and to top off the mood some song is playing i cannot recall, but fits all too well.

anyways that was a lot to describe a 30 second scene or so.. but what im trying to say is i have no felt that compassion towards anything in so long. i havent had a relationship to be given that, but ive been stabbed in the back by those closest to me and i had to force myself to even be angry just a little bit. im upset at the fact that they are so quick to stab and not even understand any situation. so quick to drop and not even talk to me. and im here with the sudden feeling i want to comment or text you. that rage is so quick to wear off and im back to everyday. and i dont even really understand why im exactly upset. and i have to think about. but im not going to be the one who rebuild bridges again, no. nostalgia can be my biggest enemy because its not even that i miss the person. i miss the times and how everything felt. and i am the biggest understander that when you bring back the past, youre actually pushing it further because it will never, ever feel the same.

i guess over all what im really trying to say is i just wish i could have that much compassion towards something. because lately ive been feeling like, i dont know how to put it. i guess dead a little. im watching life. im watching people put their feelings into things they love, and im sitting her being a window watching and i cant even pinpoint what i love.

i dont know.

i guess the only way to put it, is being stuck in a rut. or a "drought" in life. there are no direct problems, theres no immediate reason behind it, there is nothing. and its simply that. its jaded. and its taken a grip on me. i try not to let these "droughts" get the best of me because i always try to not let lets downs, mistakes, and heartbreaks shape me and give me a cynical view on everything. i do learn from but with every new experience i try to go into without knowing the fine print. call it naive, but fuck you. i dont care what you say because i have the hope that not everyone is the same. i have hope that not everyone is as fucked up and ugly as the world is. just lately in this "drought" i dont see clouds for the rain to come. well i dont see them above my head. (which this metaphor makes me laugh because having clouds above my head is usually in regaurd to sadness and all that. ha ha ha.) anyways i do see it for other people and that does make me happy for them.

i dont know what this is saying fuck it.

burned out in a jar

theres nothing i can say. im trying to be pissed off but it just doesnt come around. and just everything lately is making me sad. its sad that i am alone. its sad to see where i am. its sad to see how far gone you are. its so sad that it does make me angry, but not pissed off. if that makes sense. remember walking around downtown? remember the beach? remember delivering the box? remember who was there. remember sunday? (now i want to listen to that song..) just remember everything and understand why i am sad. disgusted. i cant even say i didnt expect this.

lost ambition?

jaded motivation?

disgust in anger?

no faith.

and its one of those days where the only thing i hold close seems so far away.

where is my hope.

couldnt upload through tumblr.. so HA!

my friends tattoo. SO cool

when its sixthirty in the morning

i love hardcore show. REAL hardcore shows. no metalcore beatdown bullshit. no hatemosh. no screamscream breebree. fuck you. i love hardcore. and its not about being as angry as possible. not about respect and crews. all of you have lost sight, probably never had a true sight on this. i am still here for the same reasons. despite how much our scene has changed. even if i go to one legit hardcore show a year. im still at all of them for the same reason. its where i feel i belong. im so at home. never will i lose sight on why im here. never will i let anger become apart of me. the world is ugly and sometimes i just cant take part in it and need to get away. and these nights are where its at. i dont care how corny this sounds. it cant come out any other way. or how naive it may seem. this keeps me alive. this keep me real. and i wont say for atleast right now because these times will live with me forever. time after time i wont be jaded by this dying scene. ill always welcome new kids because hopefully their here for the same reasons i started. despite the extreme difference in music, if their hearts are in it, thats golden. for anyone that doesnt want this world to consume them, does not want let anger consume them. let your aggression out in music and at these shows. stay positive. hahaha this makes me laugh be i love it. the feeling cannot be explained but its simply bliss.

Again I’ve lost myself in the morning rush.
I am going on few hours of sleep, it’s not enough.
It’s never enough for me.
But the night before I had my fists in the air.
With my feet on the floor,
I didn’t care about anything except the songs.
This is the only place I feel I truly belong.
So now I will say, fuck the mornings.
Tonight I’ll stay out late,
put my heart into something real and take the stage.
Let’s live our dreams right now.
So many people look for purpose in their lives,
and it feels good to say that I’ve found mine.
So many people have nothing to take pride in.
They don’t have shit. What the fuck do you have?
This is where we belong. This is all we know.
These songs are all I’ve got, with nowhere else to go.
This is where we belong. This is all we know.
These songs are all I’ve got. I’ll see you at the show.
When it’s six thirty in the morning and I can’t open my eyes, this is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to die.

im in trouble.

why is it so incredibly difficult to simply say you make me smile. you make me happy.

and everything im trying to type just isnt coming out how i want it so ill leave it at this.

corroded

this is so strange to me. maybe because i was never really able to have this because my past always creeps up on me and id end up where ive been for years. but this is new. its exciting. and it hurts. i dont know what to expect. i dont know how to feel. i dont know anything at all. and it feels so much better. its like walking around sanfrancisco. ive been here a couple times, but each time its new cause the people im with. i know main roads and signposts to take, but its always a second guess to where im at. instead of walking around tracy where i know where everything is. i know when the lights will turn red. and i know ive taken this road a million times before. well now that i think of it, frisco was a bad example cause i know it more than i think i do. lets just say its a new city to walk. i love metaphor's. 

anyways im fucking worried about you. i feel like jake when it comes to me. hahaha i love you jake. SOOO i know the path your taking i know the doubts your fighting and i probably could tell you exactly what your gonna do next. just remember to hold on close to what keeps you, you and never give up.

dilldroid

i dont really know what i want to type. i just feel i should. ive been in an angry mood towards everything the past few days. i dont like it, but it wont go away. getting in fights, verbally and physically continues to occur and i dont like it. ill be fine for a while and out of nowhere im back down, further down. like always i gotta keep my mind looking forward and my head above water. keeping busy these past few days have been keeping me away from my thoughts but i guess it catches up quickly.

im gonna do one of those 20 people things, but i dont know if it will be 20

i remember now why i got my tattoo. out of nowhere anyone you trust as a friend can easily stab you in the back for their own benefit. but hey, its only good business right?

ive wanted to say hi a few times. but i dont think its my place. your happy and you should be happy.

you dont even fucking know me. so if your gonna say shit say it to me. and say it fully, not some half ass bullshit.

your a fucking bitch. and i wish you went out to dish it out with me and not your sister.

i love you and im going to be here all the way during this and even after.


i dont even know what else i want to say. this blog is hella loppy nahmean?

fuckit

200 gallons ago

its weird to have such opposite feelings running through me at the same time.


simply said.

"i am both happy and sad and i'm still trying to figure out how that could be."

thank you charlie.

i killed that vampire!

its strange.
around this time of the year is when i feel the year ends. not new years. not my birthday. but now when summer starts. probably because for 12 years these days were the last days and the beginning to awesome. and i feel older and younger at the same time. older because another year has passed younger because its summer. and i dont think it matters how old you get, but you will always anticipate the weekend and wake up a little better on fridays.

blink

not selling that theyre diggin being back..


travis at 1:16
lovin life!




hella fast! i like it.





still i cant fucking wait!


a lot of nothing has been running through my head. and i think im too stubborn to let it get to me. i think thats good and bad. but i dont want to post that yet. lifes just too good right now.

when i come around

i kind of feel awake. like ive never been before. it may be that i actually got a good NIGHTS rest. or im realizing the little things that used to be just enough are still and even more than enough. and for once im not in my head too much, or not letting it get to the rest of me and my day. because there is still an immense amount of bullshit. and i constantly hear and find out more. anyways, whatever the hell the reason is for this, its awesome.

i cant wait for camping!

and there is no longer a scrubs episode i hate. my musical has come around.