joy

so im watching a dramatic scene of a tv show. to get you in the mood it can be a movie, music video, anything really. its a the kind of scene that makes your heart sink. where a person lets every wall down and you can look straight down the hall and see their heart. im honestly getting goose bumps just typing this. anyways. its the scene of extreme passion, love, fear, grief, life and all that good stuff. the scene im mentioning inparticular is a scene where she walks into work, a hospital, and her boyfriend, the man who she has been strung up and down and all around for 3 years, the man who just proposed to her, the man who dude a life size blue print of their future home in candles on the land he owns, and she will when they wed. she walks in all happy and hopeful, and she is the only one for miles with a smile. she turns to everyone and looks concerned and glances to the trauma room just behind everyone and it is that man, draped in tubes and braces and everything you would if you came out of an ambulance dying. her fellow co-workers giving all their life just to bring back a little of his. she is so confused and cannot grasp what is happening for a few seconds before she screams, no. ever doctor's head in that room look down in a nod. you can read the lips of a doctor announce a time of death. her rage, her sadness, that feeling of abandonment, sorrow, betrayal, everything she has erupts. and to top off the mood some song is playing i cannot recall, but fits all too well.

anyways that was a lot to describe a 30 second scene or so.. but what im trying to say is i have no felt that compassion towards anything in so long. i havent had a relationship to be given that, but ive been stabbed in the back by those closest to me and i had to force myself to even be angry just a little bit. im upset at the fact that they are so quick to stab and not even understand any situation. so quick to drop and not even talk to me. and im here with the sudden feeling i want to comment or text you. that rage is so quick to wear off and im back to everyday. and i dont even really understand why im exactly upset. and i have to think about. but im not going to be the one who rebuild bridges again, no. nostalgia can be my biggest enemy because its not even that i miss the person. i miss the times and how everything felt. and i am the biggest understander that when you bring back the past, youre actually pushing it further because it will never, ever feel the same.

i guess over all what im really trying to say is i just wish i could have that much compassion towards something. because lately ive been feeling like, i dont know how to put it. i guess dead a little. im watching life. im watching people put their feelings into things they love, and im sitting her being a window watching and i cant even pinpoint what i love.

i dont know.