I'm a realist I'm a romantic I'm an indecisive piece of shit

its not just one, i guess its all of it. i dont remember what they were exactly, just..

i feel like i have two sides when it comes to this. theres this hopeful person inside of me. one that is willing to hand over their heart given a chance to do so. one that will stand up for love when its not insight. the person i used to be i know is still here.
and there is another side. a darkened and damaged person who never admits to emotion. a hollowed chest member of the loveless whatever. who is fine being alone. who cant even manage to get close to someone. the person im becoming and maybe have already.

no side really has a greater pull. which really is in between who i was and am now. which leads a lot to my indecisiveness and blahblah. i say i am hopeful and i really try to be on every aspect in life. ( in a real sense, get over your god) i like to believe in love, even at times when its not for me. and that kicks in the other, i cant get close to someone, and i know i should like a girl, ill even say "wtf, why dont i like her". but even that statement brings back the other side. and that statement is a realization that i feel it, and that realization alone is enough to say "hey, you fucking like her you fuck" and ill throw in my analysis on girls which list reason after reason why a relationship is not the boat i want to be in. but who the fuck am i kidding, its all i really want. give me the chase, give me the challenge, give me your stubborn fucking self and make me rip my hair out! no id rather be alone. SHUT THE FUCK UP.

EXACTLY

i had no idea this other side had an existence really. but i said in a blog before that there are all kinda of trauma.

i love lord of the rings and this just reminds me a smeagol/gollum. yes.