melowdramatic

every day really is the same. if it wasnt for my phone id have no damn idea what day it was, like knowing really makes a difference. on the same note, like im off with days, im off with what time it is. it always feels later or earlier than expected. probably due to daylight savings but i have never taken this long to adjust. i seriously need something in my life to build some structure. every day is the same. hopefully i am waking up instead of continuing the day. waking up, i mean waking up around 4 pm. and its either a phone call from a friend, or just the act of opening my eyes. from there it really is just killing time. actually i hope i wake to a friend calling. honestly, i think being bored is the worse feeling. i mean at least with heart ache or whatever theres some motive. my mind is on something and there is a reason im feeling this fucking pain. i have no motivation, i have no direction. the only light in this dark tunnel i have are damp matches. the only possible way to find a way out and i have no idea how to make it work. i dont know.

i was watching men of a certain age today and i really liked it. i missed most of it but what i saw i liked and will watch it as soon as somewhere online has it. usually takes a week. anyways, i think its sad that i felt i could relate to the way these men in their mid 40's feel. but really does this boredom, this empty feeling like were losing sight of what we love and who we are, ever really go away? life is just distracting yourself so much that you never have the time to think about this. because youre an liar if youve never stared so deep into nothing and saw yourself in it.

im just killing time, yeah, before it kills me

more into my life. it fucking snowed! on the outskirts of tracy. HOLY FUCKING SHIT i was unaware of this business until it was too damn late. my eyes are out for you snow. its been bitter cold lately. needle point cold. i want it to snow heavily here. and if that happens i probably will wish it never did.

2 weeks till title fight. i really really want this to happen. i need it.