cover up

its funny whenever anyone, ANYONE covers nirvana, all of the "cobainclub" must comment.
"NO ONE CAN COVER NIRVANA!"
"you cant cover a grunge band perfectly, they didnt even play perfectly"
"good, but no one can sing this like kurt"

shut the hell up!


haha i like acoustic covers

oh hell i like covers
haha










and this is just my favorite song right now.

ham&eggs

i cant seem to put together a decent blog, let alone a complete thought.
i havent even really been on the computer for a few days. just a lot of thinking going on and well, thats what blogging is for right? ha.

ive always been a social person, i just like being around people. sometimes. and ive interacted, watched, discussed, everything. and i just cant understand why so many people are unhappy, when happiness is valued so high to them. they do so much to make themselves happy, but always a step further to make someone else happy. sure they know that making someone else happy, especially someone they care about happy, will essentially make themselves happy. simply settling for contentment. and those people who do go for the win to be happy, are ridiculed, looked at as a selfish ass, when in fact its what everyone wishes they could do. yes its great to make other people happy, but this is your life, so shouldnt it be your first priority? its strange how some friends can be so high-maintenance. if someone else isnt happy, thats their burden to bare. they will get there on their own. im not saying to never do anything for someone else, just keep it in perspective. i know im not on to talk about this, but were not talking about me. just remember when we were young, hell even just the last time we were happy. we didnt have a care in the world. running around in the streets was enough. and as each year goes by one more thing we loved, we dont care so much about anymore. nothings ever enough.

on the note of younger, ive been out of school for nearly 2 years and i still have high hopes for the weekends. a routine brought on by school monday through friday. when i did go back to school for a while, i went for two days, and worked the rest. days off were hardly around, and when it happened it was never a weekend. weekdays were slow and relaxing, just the opposite of what i grew up with. and still with the ability to make any day friday, actually my life now everyday is friday, i still wait out the week for friday.


are you commited, or are you involved?


and again random thoughts will always blockout what im trying to say, how im feeling.

where did the ground go?

i hate that instant when everything just, falls.
and despite anything and everything. you feel so low.

and lately

it feels as if time has stopped.

reasons

not to drown.

• mollywhoppin in cod4
• finally scare my mother..
• sandwiches.
• scrubs.
• the ever so delightful adventure of kelly rippin danny
• santa cruz nighttime extravaganza
• sandwiches.
• jake<3
  
• the awesome combo of sunrise, coffee, and a cigarette
• apparently helping other people not to drown.
• my life long goal for a beard
  
• a good sandwich.

reasons to drown.

• thats a sad list for someone whos 20 in 21 days.
• bad internet connections.

second chances

are simply s ticking time bomb.

fresh feeling

its like when your completely down and you feel so alone, and you hear a song. it may be a song you have never heard of or maybe one youve heard but never cared for until now because you finally understand what it means. and you listen to it over and over. and it makes you feel better, even being the song is sure hell a sad one. it makes you feel like your not alone and someone, somewhere, knows how you feel. its weird how small the world really can be.


when did the rest of my life start. i feel like i missed the train. or actually i jumped on as soon as i could, injected this poison in my blood, and fell off at the moment i really needed it. its not regression, sure as hell not progress. just im watching the world zoom by and i can only really watch. sometimes i feel i have to much to say for someone who doesnt have to much going on. my words arent validated because of that. i dont know.

i hate zodiac signs and all that. but its really weird how dead on they can be. to who i am and how i would react and how a relationship would be with a certain sign.


i want to post something sort of real, but i cant keep it together long enough to post.
hm.

so lately ive been reading into a lot of philosophy.

maybe..

it may just be that im watching a lot of medical T.V. series. but i think i want to do something in that.. field.

• pressures like nothing..
• got steady hands..
• i can work 14+ hour shifts...
• i can handle blood..

but those are nothing that really matter i suppose..

so much work. especially for me to NOW just get the idea. its still a thought..

lawlz

so much to say but ill keep it to this..

havent you said that before.

so i saw This Providence, acoustic. and it was amazing. well they were, the whole show was boring actually. the Academy is.. played for too damn long. but they are better acoustic than regular.


i dont know what to post!
but i feel i should.
so heres an older saved draft

"But because things change. And friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody."

its strange how things work. especially in Tracy.
such a small town, everyone basically knows everyone, well their story. but here, that's all the really matters to them. i have not lived here for my entire life, but i have for the years in your life that you find yourself. i personally love Tracy. its such a small town yet its still possible for people to disappear. its about an hour to two from the beach, the city, the snow, reno, and anything else, basically in the middle of California.(i base my travel times on how danny and jimmy drive) and the simple act of "honk and wave" can really make a day. but this town can also be very, very ugly. streets filled with painted faces and hidden agenda's.

i find it funny that here, someone you hated in elementary school, is your bestfriend in highschool or college, and vice versa. hardly any friendships really stay. and its such a conflicting feeling when you feel like you dont belong in a friendly-familiar environment.

when people talk about the world and how they want to see everything, and about how they are so bored with this town, i think of it in a different way. they want to go and feel how they think the people there feel. im sure they are bored of the town, or city, they live in as well. the differences of living northern california, central valley, south california, and the bay area. another reason why i love this state, and city.

fritzz

and this time around its different. and we both can see it. and id lie if i completely agree with what you said. it did help me. let go of whatever i still held on to. helped me open up, even if it wasnt at all towards you. i opened up more, and i got exactly what i expected. and exactly what i expected from you.




this thought came across my mind, but i really dont know how to say it. so i'll go to my "go-to" move, and talk in metaphor. sometimes i feel like a boat, a boat thats dropped anchor at exactly where i want to be. but the tides and waves and the wind keep dragging me in directions that bring me closer to a different side. and i fight and fight against that but not everything can stay. not everyone can be happy. and always try not to be the person to keep things together, but i cant. and i think i have to. have to stop that is.



i cant keep a consistent concentration on one topic. my thoughts are racing and in the sky.

and they wonder

why ive grown so cold through the years. im sick and tired of this expectation. i simply know what to expect from them, from you.


skate or die!
that was saturday night. haha
right side of my body died!

and will you

spend your life collecting sea shells on the coast.
or finally dive in and seek the pearl you've always wanted.



i guess it comes down to how bad you want something, and how strong you actually are.

ive seen my fair share of shell collectors.

you wait and see doctores(lovescrubs)


and youre a slow but sure fail.

HA

hopefully i can get some money soon from taxes.

i made 300 something last year at sonic, so ill be getting back like 20 bucks..
but i sure as hell made way more than that at olivegarden..

i just need to get the tax forms from there!

FRICK!!!

getbored

started this again..
reallybored.
i want to sleep.




http://es.tinypic.com/view.php?pic=oh0cm&s=5
to see it bigger

i dont care

any job i dont care.

i hate when this thought catches to me. its so hard to shake off.

frick

my night

perks.
myspace.
ds.
heroes.

fit the mold

its kinda funny when you actually see whats at the end of the tunnel. and then you can see yourself even further. seeing some of the problems my brother has(had) and our mutual situation. and i am already bitter towards the world and most people. and everyday something i loved falls off and i hate just a little more. come further in this timeline and i saw this in my dad today. i really dont want to end up like that. were on the same boat as in we can see peoples true intentions, and dont trust anyone, but i dont want to be like that. completely pessimistic and bitter. im still open minded to a lot of things, im very pessimistic about life, but optimistic about living, and again i just dont want to end up like that. i need to make some changes. giving my some perspective on my life and just really, life.



why is this killing me so much. why do i want this so much. what the hell happened. i always have, i was just afraid of it. and again, what you want the most to whats best for you.
frick.

distactions

and the best i can do is try not to drown while enjoying life. i hate the weekdays. i really need to pull that bike out so it can keep me distracted and get me places. cause really, i complicate my life way too much. I'm a simple guy who doesn't need too much, yet i complicate my own situations and for what? I'm not really sure, maybe to add some spice to my life. it all comes down to distractions. i dont need a plan, i don't need a set future or high goals. i just need my friends around me, money to get me buy, and my distractions. no I'm not running from my problems, cause my problems aren't really problems, mood swings that get in my way.

at least this what i need now. i may become a goal oriented person one day.
ha

you've got bedtime eyes

fuck tomorrow. fuck yesterday. live today.

walking down to shore last night, everything thats been going wrong and bothering me just, left. i stood there in the moonlight reflecting off the waves and the glow of street lights in the distance and thought, "this is it." this is life. i understand i dont really have anything, but at least now i know im living, not just existing. it was strange and i cant really explain it.

"You have to understand
That everything we have is meaningless
Unless we truly know where we stand
This isn't just for show
But some may never see
The limitless potential
Within you and me
If you can't find the words
Maybe there's nothing left to say
Remember that this world still spins
Regardless of your decisions
So make them count
Don't lie to yourself
This life's too fucking short
To be someone else
One breath at a time
I'll live day to day
And the thing that mean the most
Could never be explained"

a pretty butterfly

amazing. i actually have not read it before or knew much about it, except character names. i loved each hero's perception on life, america, religion, and their own lifestyles of being a hero. i have never been too big of a DC fan, but seeing how each character is haunted, and fucked up in their own way, but in a real world way, i love. well so far in the two i know of. batman and all the villains and their mental disorders. and now watchmen



"I looked at the Rorschach blot. I tried to pretend it looked like a spreading tree, shadows pooled beneath it, but it didn’t. It looked more like a dead cat I once found, the fat, glistening grubs writhing blindly, squirming over each other, frantically tunneling away from the light. But even that is avoiding the real horror. The horror is this: In the end, it is simply a picture of empty meaningless blackness. We are alone. There is nothing else."

coldest of calenders

i just want to go away.

i understand the premises of Frankenstein. create a monster for you own gain. and suffer by your own wishes.

this wasnt for my own gain, i was just dumb, confused, and honestly deathly afraid.

it doesnt matter. its too late. or maybe i need to stop submitting, and actually press on the gas.

i dont even know what i want.

but you do.

lawlerskates

yes

and i swear i never wanted too..

everything's a blur really. im trying to keep posting atleast once.. but ill sit here for hours at blank page.

i dont know what this is but i cant escape it no matter how fast i go.

this really just crept up on me and i just hate myself for how ive been. for who i am sometimes.

"When people don't express themselves, they die one piece at a time."
(thanksjake)

maybe its just running away for so long.


actually i can look at it in a cooler way.
im a vampire.
im not really active and out durring the day.
i live in the night.
and when i look in a mirror i see nothing!
hardyharhar.

ARGHGH I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS

something clever

"It's kind of like when you look at yourself in the mirror and you say your name. And it gets to a point where none of it seems real. Well, sometimes, I can do that, but I don't need an hour in front of a mirror. It just happens very fast, and things start to slip away. And I just open my eyes, and I see nothing. And then I start to breathe really hard trying to see something, but I can't. It doesn't happen all the time, but when it does, it scares me."

i think i know why my mood changes so quickly now. everything has been built up inside me that its at the surface now. and i react to the emotion or feelings closest to me. i dont know just a thought. im like a chameleon haha.


maybe this month is just in my head. ive been thinking too much and its just tapping into why i closed up. and ive been thinking of everything horrible thats happened in this month. the abandonment.

but not this year!



yes i did a perks quote like you jake. =]


FUCK i missed heroes..

less than three

I don't think this is good, but i wish i had a balcony, or even a window seal to sit up on. So every night I can watch the silhouettes of trees form as the sky lightens to begin the day. Just sitting staring out into nothing, the soft vibrations from my ipod, a build up of gas station coffee cups, some filled to the lid with put out cigarettes(ewww, shut up). I do not think this would be good, in regards to trying to escape my mind, but maybe given a peaceful spot I can come to peace with my mind.

I spent my night marathoning. I watched the two scrubs seasons i have, so far what has aired for season 8, Garden State, and The Last Kiss. I had an enjoyable Zach Braff night. While finishing The Last Kiss, a strange realization occurred to me. I am disgusted with love. Or at least made extremely uncomfortable with being completely open and vulnerable with someone else. I know what your thinking, "what in the world is so strange about that?". If you knew who I was or how i was say three or four years ago, I would support "love conquers all." Today, terms such as "heartless" appeal to me. "oh you've just grown up", "its because your past relationships" shut up. I constantly feel like I want to, need to be with someone. This is not just me being lonely. I want a real relationship, but no way can I bring myself to express, or show that. And to top off the strangeness, Mr. Heartless melts to love songs. LOVE SONGS! I just want to tap into and discover what is exactly cutting me off from my feelings.

Being that I am on the subject; what exactly drives someone to stay with someone else for so long? Is it that the person is "in love" or they just benefit from it? Is it because they are just so comfortable with them they are afraid and dont know what else there is? How long does "love" last? I know I have seen it die in as little as a few days and live for a lifetime. Love changes, and the person you fell in it with changes as well. do they spend so much time together they dont notice the change? or one just decided to adapt when they noticed the little changes. maybe its all of this.

Is the person you want the most, the person that's the best for you? and is the person that is best for you, the person you want the most? sometimes i think love is more of settling than anything else. "we accept the love we think we deserve"

i really dont know. this has been a draft and i felt like posting it.

back by popular demand

and so far i can already feel this.

for the past 4 months the ever so popular feeling, abandonment

hello you sweet sweet bastard.

all i can say

is march day one.

at first this was a post filled with the negatives going on right now. and im just sick of it. ill keep my negatives in a draft for right now. so all i can say..

• wondercon was a lot more fun than i originally thought it would be. that entire day was pretty good.

• march started a day early. angry all day

• jake. i love you. and i know im not one to talk about being optimistic, but im going to help you as much as i can to pull through.

• i feel like everythings catching up.

• hella fake

• oh and hahaha i have basically an entire bike i can use. i basically just need a fixie rear tire. so far that i know