to myself

the only one i have anything to prove to.


stepping forward.
closer to a job. familiar job in an unfamiliar town. haha
class interests for school. religious studies.


dope

scribbles

scribbles
^^
click it

just somewhere to store some writings other than myspace blog..

for the ones i actually kinda do like.
ha

live forever

I remember a time
When I cared so much about the future
With wide eyes
I thought that we would live forever
Now those days are a thing of the past
They're fucking dead to me
Over the years
I have learned the truth
I won't waste my time pretending
What I love means nothing to you
There's so many things I've never said
You will fucking hear them soon
I promise you

There are days
When I feel like I never tried
And it takes more then waiting
To improve my life
Well I miss the days
when I felt more alive
And nothing in this world
Could hold me back

But in the mirror
I see all that is left of me
And how everything changed so much
I've still got self respect
But where's the confidence
In anything that I do?
For me it's always been hit or miss
And I ran away from myself
When I needed me the most
So I'll wait it out and write it down
And stand strong again somehow
The future seems too far away to care
But the regrets of yesterday
Are reminders of how I got here
Maybe one day I'll live forever again
But I just don't see it

dig

i feel so far down right now.

i dont know why.

lost, defeat.

over nothing. but everything.

i dont know if this is just a really low dip swing.

why "can" i feel anything from anyone other than you

my mood has more swings than than the mlb.
yes that was hella lame. but its true.
ive been told this so many times by so many people.
and i guess i see it too.



lately ive just been sitting around staring blankly into nothing.
jake calls it out every time. "aaron's pondering life"
our daily quoting of scrubs yes.
but extremely true, yes.
every night i search deep and deep into the web, looking for whatever.
and i guess i do the same in me.
except in the web i at least find things.

what the hell am i talking about.
whatever.
out

my own personal hell.

i do hate myself for some of the decisions i have made in the past. and how i have dealt with them. and i have grown from them to help me deal with my life today. they will always comeback and kick me to the curb. ive never regretted anything from my past, but this time its someone else baring my burdens along with me. from a different stand point, but baring them nonetheless. i can only wish for the best. to apologize is to regret, to wish to take back. which i dont. im disgusted with how i handled that back then but today we are still close and good friends. and the now is all that matters. but i do apologize for your suffering by my past. this tears me down.


i hate falling asleep.
to be awoken a couple hours later because of, nothing.
i hate the silence im left with thats overran by my ranting thoughts of whatever.
sleep sleep sleep i want sleep.


this is really strange. jealousy is something i have not felt in, forever. and that is coming from something i should not care at all towards. or maybe i just think its a little, a lot, fucked up.
no you wont guess who this part is towards.


i just cant do it. i was driving down that road and i just cant. not yet.

i just need to remember its never too late.
maybe.


why is everything broken.

boom

today was a good day.
the beach was relaxing.
random hot spots.
amazing cool zones.
BITCH ASS COFFEE
i love criticism about me from my friends.
my real friend.

after a long talk.
i got everything out.
lets make this work, actually.



i want to bring my camera places. or maybe if i got the usb cord for my phone.
i like taking pictures.



tomorrow should be good

my self-examination

and thats exactly that.

i feel better.

take a step back

did i listen to this song correctly?

tell me how you feel

oh yeah

i wanted to say
i went to the city again
and for some reason i love how it makes me feel.

i want to live there for atleast a fragment of my life. to walk everywhere. bump into strangers with familiar faces. having to dodge the everyday tourist life attracted to my home to get anywhere. listen to the faint sound of jazz from the piers. feeling alive. feeling lost. feeling content. feeling overwhelmed. feeling.
this is not at all limited to sanfrancisco, any city really i just, want it.


stepping out my head, and back into my shoes.
well attempting.

tossing and turning

this same item continues to haunt me deep in to the night.
i get really anxious and nervous just laying in bed so i can only really go to sleep if i have no strength to do anything else.

sitting with an old friend, we both wondered how the hell did we end up here. im sure we both thought of the same thing. how things used to be. (his based more upon being abandoned by the only soul he believed would forever be there. maybe abandonment is just a new life essential?) im not at all saying i dont like where i am today, no no no i like who i am. its crazy to really think how much has changed, and thats its nothing really except yourself.

i just cant escape my thoughts. there so hard to face that i cant even type it. not even on private blogs. maybe because i cant admit defeat to myself, or that i will always fight myself and it does not involve anyone else but me. THIS IS MY WAR. but talking it out, or typing, couldn't hurt? well not one single soul knows me. ive give pieces of my thoughts to my friends and to strangers as i rant along. i think only one person got me. but now im just a stranger, so they say. hell maybe i have lost everything ive became but "its never too late to start over" great words, thank you benjamin button.

i sometimes wish you were nicer. you are one of my best friends but i really sometimes think you dont think so. that now im just that someone driving by. like any "best friend" ive had before. occasionally seeing throughout this town. i liked how we were. sometimes its there, but thats it.

i just want to get lost in busy work. 3 jobs maybe. and school. overdose me on stress doc!

stress.. i think i have too much of it for how little to nothing i actually have going on in my life. i think some of this is escaping my head and affecting everything about me. i just need to be occupied and i can lock it all away again. safe and sound.

oh damn i want to delete this but im trying to commit to believing this is like a typewriter so post!

"when its 630 in the morning..

and i cannot open my eyes this is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to die"


why am i obsessed with religion if i hate it?
why do i melt during love songs if i dont believe love exists?
why do i feel so inadequate to everything in my life?
why must i impress who i dont care about?
why do must i constantly self sabotage my life?
why do i hate everything i once loved?
why am i so self loathing if i love my life?
why am i still up?
why am saying this?
why must i continue to thrive while settled?
why cant i get out of my head!?!?!


i need to shut up

ps

thank you for calling
it does mean a lot

grown

sometimes i stumble upon a relic of my past
and im knocked to the ground.
it can be anything. a sticker, a thought, a song, a movie, anything.
ill sit there and think of me then.
and compare it to me now.
i dont think ive changed much.
ive grown bitter.
ive grown restless.
ive grown hopeless.
ive grown disgusted.
ive grown up.

but thats what i think
i guess ive lost qualities in myself that i used to find myself.
i used to be..
nice.

do we ever really grow up?
or are do we actually grow tired..
tired of what made us, happy.



again if im upset it does not matter.
its stupid and irrelevant and cannot compare to my mistakes.
whatever

my fruit cup

"i usually dont like thinking about the future. i mean, lets face it, you cant predict whats going to happen. but sometimes the thing you didnt expect is what you really wanted after all. maybe the best thing to do is stop trying to figure out where your going and enjoy where your at."


again scrubs tends to play the right episodes when needed.


everything i said to you. its the truth. and im really scared.
now is it that im opening up myself to you, or asking for help, i dont know.
i like to keep distance from myself so its easier to get by everyday.
cause everything i once enjoyed, loved, had interest in, is slipping.
and im disgusted at life everyday i wake up.
its hard to honestly admit ive lost, that i hate..

i just cant.

true

i like good nights with real friends.

those who are and have actually been there when needed.

those who give me any hope in tomorrow.





istarttowonder.
amireallyhappy?