tossing and turning

this same item continues to haunt me deep in to the night.
i get really anxious and nervous just laying in bed so i can only really go to sleep if i have no strength to do anything else.

sitting with an old friend, we both wondered how the hell did we end up here. im sure we both thought of the same thing. how things used to be. (his based more upon being abandoned by the only soul he believed would forever be there. maybe abandonment is just a new life essential?) im not at all saying i dont like where i am today, no no no i like who i am. its crazy to really think how much has changed, and thats its nothing really except yourself.

i just cant escape my thoughts. there so hard to face that i cant even type it. not even on private blogs. maybe because i cant admit defeat to myself, or that i will always fight myself and it does not involve anyone else but me. THIS IS MY WAR. but talking it out, or typing, couldn't hurt? well not one single soul knows me. ive give pieces of my thoughts to my friends and to strangers as i rant along. i think only one person got me. but now im just a stranger, so they say. hell maybe i have lost everything ive became but "its never too late to start over" great words, thank you benjamin button.

i sometimes wish you were nicer. you are one of my best friends but i really sometimes think you dont think so. that now im just that someone driving by. like any "best friend" ive had before. occasionally seeing throughout this town. i liked how we were. sometimes its there, but thats it.

i just want to get lost in busy work. 3 jobs maybe. and school. overdose me on stress doc!

stress.. i think i have too much of it for how little to nothing i actually have going on in my life. i think some of this is escaping my head and affecting everything about me. i just need to be occupied and i can lock it all away again. safe and sound.

oh damn i want to delete this but im trying to commit to believing this is like a typewriter so post!