joy

so im watching a dramatic scene of a tv show. to get you in the mood it can be a movie, music video, anything really. its a the kind of scene that makes your heart sink. where a person lets every wall down and you can look straight down the hall and see their heart. im honestly getting goose bumps just typing this. anyways. its the scene of extreme passion, love, fear, grief, life and all that good stuff. the scene im mentioning inparticular is a scene where she walks into work, a hospital, and her boyfriend, the man who she has been strung up and down and all around for 3 years, the man who just proposed to her, the man who dude a life size blue print of their future home in candles on the land he owns, and she will when they wed. she walks in all happy and hopeful, and she is the only one for miles with a smile. she turns to everyone and looks concerned and glances to the trauma room just behind everyone and it is that man, draped in tubes and braces and everything you would if you came out of an ambulance dying. her fellow co-workers giving all their life just to bring back a little of his. she is so confused and cannot grasp what is happening for a few seconds before she screams, no. ever doctor's head in that room look down in a nod. you can read the lips of a doctor announce a time of death. her rage, her sadness, that feeling of abandonment, sorrow, betrayal, everything she has erupts. and to top off the mood some song is playing i cannot recall, but fits all too well.

anyways that was a lot to describe a 30 second scene or so.. but what im trying to say is i have no felt that compassion towards anything in so long. i havent had a relationship to be given that, but ive been stabbed in the back by those closest to me and i had to force myself to even be angry just a little bit. im upset at the fact that they are so quick to stab and not even understand any situation. so quick to drop and not even talk to me. and im here with the sudden feeling i want to comment or text you. that rage is so quick to wear off and im back to everyday. and i dont even really understand why im exactly upset. and i have to think about. but im not going to be the one who rebuild bridges again, no. nostalgia can be my biggest enemy because its not even that i miss the person. i miss the times and how everything felt. and i am the biggest understander that when you bring back the past, youre actually pushing it further because it will never, ever feel the same.

i guess over all what im really trying to say is i just wish i could have that much compassion towards something. because lately ive been feeling like, i dont know how to put it. i guess dead a little. im watching life. im watching people put their feelings into things they love, and im sitting her being a window watching and i cant even pinpoint what i love.

i dont know.

i guess the only way to put it, is being stuck in a rut. or a "drought" in life. there are no direct problems, theres no immediate reason behind it, there is nothing. and its simply that. its jaded. and its taken a grip on me. i try not to let these "droughts" get the best of me because i always try to not let lets downs, mistakes, and heartbreaks shape me and give me a cynical view on everything. i do learn from but with every new experience i try to go into without knowing the fine print. call it naive, but fuck you. i dont care what you say because i have the hope that not everyone is the same. i have hope that not everyone is as fucked up and ugly as the world is. just lately in this "drought" i dont see clouds for the rain to come. well i dont see them above my head. (which this metaphor makes me laugh because having clouds above my head is usually in regaurd to sadness and all that. ha ha ha.) anyways i do see it for other people and that does make me happy for them.

i dont know what this is saying fuck it.

burned out in a jar

theres nothing i can say. im trying to be pissed off but it just doesnt come around. and just everything lately is making me sad. its sad that i am alone. its sad to see where i am. its sad to see how far gone you are. its so sad that it does make me angry, but not pissed off. if that makes sense. remember walking around downtown? remember the beach? remember delivering the box? remember who was there. remember sunday? (now i want to listen to that song..) just remember everything and understand why i am sad. disgusted. i cant even say i didnt expect this.

lost ambition?

jaded motivation?

disgust in anger?

no faith.

and its one of those days where the only thing i hold close seems so far away.

where is my hope.

couldnt upload through tumblr.. so HA!

my friends tattoo. SO cool

when its sixthirty in the morning

i love hardcore show. REAL hardcore shows. no metalcore beatdown bullshit. no hatemosh. no screamscream breebree. fuck you. i love hardcore. and its not about being as angry as possible. not about respect and crews. all of you have lost sight, probably never had a true sight on this. i am still here for the same reasons. despite how much our scene has changed. even if i go to one legit hardcore show a year. im still at all of them for the same reason. its where i feel i belong. im so at home. never will i lose sight on why im here. never will i let anger become apart of me. the world is ugly and sometimes i just cant take part in it and need to get away. and these nights are where its at. i dont care how corny this sounds. it cant come out any other way. or how naive it may seem. this keeps me alive. this keep me real. and i wont say for atleast right now because these times will live with me forever. time after time i wont be jaded by this dying scene. ill always welcome new kids because hopefully their here for the same reasons i started. despite the extreme difference in music, if their hearts are in it, thats golden. for anyone that doesnt want this world to consume them, does not want let anger consume them. let your aggression out in music and at these shows. stay positive. hahaha this makes me laugh be i love it. the feeling cannot be explained but its simply bliss.

Again I’ve lost myself in the morning rush.
I am going on few hours of sleep, it’s not enough.
It’s never enough for me.
But the night before I had my fists in the air.
With my feet on the floor,
I didn’t care about anything except the songs.
This is the only place I feel I truly belong.
So now I will say, fuck the mornings.
Tonight I’ll stay out late,
put my heart into something real and take the stage.
Let’s live our dreams right now.
So many people look for purpose in their lives,
and it feels good to say that I’ve found mine.
So many people have nothing to take pride in.
They don’t have shit. What the fuck do you have?
This is where we belong. This is all we know.
These songs are all I’ve got, with nowhere else to go.
This is where we belong. This is all we know.
These songs are all I’ve got. I’ll see you at the show.
When it’s six thirty in the morning and I can’t open my eyes, this is the only thing that keeps me from wanting to die.

im in trouble.

why is it so incredibly difficult to simply say you make me smile. you make me happy.

and everything im trying to type just isnt coming out how i want it so ill leave it at this.