clearly

i have issues.

i always have. i cant get completely close with anyone. i dont think there's a single person who knows EVERYTHING about me. i just cant be that open and vulnerable with anyone. at a time i was, but never have i since. i have probably could of had a new girl in my life by now. thats just how things have always been for me. someone next. and i went with it, went for the chase. i love the chase. i will admit that this is the loneliest i have been in a long while. a loneliness that is made by me, not abandonment, just loneliness. and im fine with it. no more, no less, just fine. and i really want to wait to find someone that can bring me back to life, because honestly ive felt dead for too long now. someone to bring back the passion and care i used to have. this doesnt necessarily mean a girl lover girl, just someone that makes me feel like more.

the only thing i honestly really care about any girl i can see myself with. is that i can trust her. fully. i havent had that in so long. and i honestly do not know what that is like. my mind wanders and goes to bad places and bad memories to where i can literally see them doing things. i hate it.

i know everyone deals with this and feels like this.
well you know what fuck you. that was as helpful as telling me the 34th pokemon.
actually no, that would be more helpful cause im seriously about to google that.




and also to get back on track. i still need a job.
fuck.

if bessie will quit gettin hot.
i can have my job back at sonic.
in ripon.
hellyeah..





and its nidoking!

You keep me like this.

hey yeah

and a realization. i am completely alone. i dont feel close to anyone at all. closer to some than most, but not close to anyone in particular. ive always had atleast someone. one person to talk to. to talk to about anything. and right now i feel like i have many close friends rather than that one best friend. before in a post on here or some other blog, ive said slowly everything ive once held close and loved, are slowly slipping and im beginning not to care. or something like that, and i think thats come around again. its hard to grasp and potential concern towards anything. its hard to show i care because honestly i just cant care. its not enough, never enough.

"And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."

and im coming to terms that i am not alright. and its getting harder and harder to lie and say i am.


scrubs was amazing. as always. ive already watched the end about 23 times and.. i dont know what to say but i want an "elliot" ha. but for now ill shrug and turn away because its what i do now.


and after re reading, my contradictive thoughts are racing and i want to take things back and say i dont care about not caring and that i will live alone forever. fuck who ive become. no, fuck where ive let myself go.

20! venti!

i honestly dont feel like i should be twenty. but i cant stop time. oh if only danny.. if only. thank you tommy and jimmy for a back to back dennys dinner! thank you jake for our lovely dates. thank you danny for your 360. normally my parents get me a balloon. or make some sorta candled desert. but nothing. i guess this is an intro to adultness. woo?

every year i gain i spend that day remembering that past year and whats different. sort of what you should do on new years. and i dont feel any difference, gained anything whatsoever, nothing, for a year. and im pissed the fuck off at myself. and just the fact of remembering the past, missing parts, brings everything downhill.

gottah keep my head up though right?

in the distance

i think lately, good just doesnt come around. i dont have good days. i have not so bad days. and i know the only thing that can escape this. i just need to get it. and i need to actually sleep. these long nights sitting, staring, smoking, are not as enlightening as i first loved. i didnt know this defined me so much.

and here it is. that heartfelt betrayal that ive become bestfriends with. hello. you dont understand, you wont. you feel guilty but dont know why? then dont talk to me.

totally awesome

lorelei and danny needs to name his...

its love

and just for kicks.

WTF

asian hick has a damn beard...

ps

its the greatest

tonight

normally at night is when i feel most alive.
yet the past few nights ive actually felt more like nothing than ever before.


i got a tumblr. [ http://melowdramatic.tumblr.com/]
its fricken weird. but awesome! ha.
i wanna join my entire arsenal of online voices on it and rule the world.

of course side by side with flutter. and shutter.
hahahahahaha.

i really hate when this begins to happen,
again..


wingstop is the place to be!
both times ive gone, brandon seems to stumble right in.
its the work of flutter.. i swear it!



ah crap i missed heroes..

black and white

as so commonly used the excuse of being "only human", has created a cliche. it has its reason for being a "cliche". now being stuck in between "friends" and a decision of gray territory occurs what would you do. no matter what your wrong. no matter what your right. tie in some personal emotion of jealousy, yes jealousy, and you get thrown to the ground. and we live to learn and we learn to live. the mistakes that are given out are consequential and looked at as unforgivable. when in the first place we learn. and a great loss is always the result. a line is crossed. a line. why do we have lines. to keep in the black and white, the right and the wrong? or an influenced decision based upon false fed information, stubbornness, and a high horse. i cleared my thoughts. a step closer to a night spent asleep. ive seen too many times a friendship, a relationship, any sort of bond, destroyed through a morally gray area decision. and people so quick to throw up there fists and swing at the world. and i am a horribly candidate to object, but i do. i have been wronged in so many ways, and ive handed out my fair share of second chances. i have grown bitter. i have been broken. and now ive grown tired of always hating. which is funny because anger is among my feelings of resenting hate. (lawlz) dealing with the world doesnt have to be hard. being happy doesnt have to be hard, but we always make it too hard.

this hate, this mistrust.
i cant speak, im full of disgust.
are these decisions mine or am i following fate?
or am i becoming no better than what i hate?
this rage, you regress
a plague, your out to infest.
a night on the town and their flesh you ate.
youre no better than everything you fucking hate.

leaf

the thoughts occur to me all the time. and im reminded about it everywhere i look. with how close things were its hard to forget. and each day were moving forward. never. never in the same direction. at least not for long. and change is just as certain as clockwork. its textbook. and every time it hits its like a fresh blow to the chest. even for those who know what they want. and harder for those who dont. im constantly walking forward with everyday but id be lying if i never glanced back. lying if i said i dont miss things. but its for certain i dont want them back. time doesnt stop and neither can we. everyone ive been close to before and are now just another face in the crowd. when i look at my writings from each year of my life and each time ive had. im running in place. im not moving. and whether is because i dont know where im going or that im constantly thinking of everything and everyone past and present. i dont want it back. im walking forward. you are all gone now. no rebuilding bridges. no taking boats or swimming.

i really dont know where this came from. its kind of sloppy but fuckitt

god complex

get over yourself.

think for yourself.