I want a home to furnish.
There's only so much Sims, moving my room, and drawing out floor plans can do.
with my bestfriends.
like J.D. and Turk.
or Joey and Chandler.
haha.
Thursday
Wednesday
lost in translation
I've watched you 3 maybe 4 times straight. and i can't grasp exactly what you're about. I can feel for the movie though. I am overwhelmed with a familiarness, that feels so.. strange and lost.
feeling so lost, and not really understanding why.
feeling so lost, and not really understanding why.
crazy
i need something in my life that i live for. some sort of schedule. or routine. as much as i hate it.. my daily commitments to callofduty 4 online, cigarettes, the never ending journey to find food in my house, failed plans, text messages and looking forward to every Tuesday at 9 o'clock for scrubs(WHICH FYI FOR THE PAST FEW WEEKS HAS NOT AIRED!!! DOUCHEBAGS) just isnt cutting it. i feel so numb from the nothing i actually have. i just moved my room in 5 different arrangements, just to put it back just how it was. my patience is weak. my aggression is high.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE IN THE WORLD IS LITTLE MAN!!!
love of god.. aha
i feel for you.. i feel like im falling part too.
and you too man! but i think you atleast got some sleep.
so ive watched half the series of friends in a day.. and..
how the hell does phoebe get by?!
playing limericks in a coffee house for free?!
massages?!?!
what the hell..
once again bessie is fixed.
HER FEVER HAS RUNDOWN!
i dont care anymore what i do with the rest of my life. keep jobs, or settle for whatever. just bring it.
my motivation is dropping.
my caring is falling.
and i know in an hour or so, i will feel completely different about all of this.
i need consistency.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHERE IN THE WORLD IS LITTLE MAN!!!
love of god.. aha
i feel for you.. i feel like im falling part too.and you too man! but i think you atleast got some sleep.
so ive watched half the series of friends in a day.. and..
how the hell does phoebe get by?!
playing limericks in a coffee house for free?!
massages?!?!
what the hell..
once again bessie is fixed.
HER FEVER HAS RUNDOWN!
i dont care anymore what i do with the rest of my life. keep jobs, or settle for whatever. just bring it.
my motivation is dropping.
my caring is falling.
and i know in an hour or so, i will feel completely different about all of this.
i need consistency.
im going crazy
Monday
ghosts
i remember this day. i want to go back to the santa cruz. empty santa cruz beach boardwalk. yes theres close to nothing to do because its almost all closed, but its just an indescribably great feeling to be there when its empty. it may just be that im used to being there overcrowded by tourist and typical santa cruz junkies, but even when its empty i can faintly hear the clutter of a thousand conversations, the excitement, the annoyance, the sound of rollercoasters flying by, that robotic band that plays that same beat. and at the peak of the noise i hear absolutely nothing. i just love it.sometimes.. again
sometimes i wonder if prevent myself from being happy because im used to just the opposite. im so used to it that ive adapted to trying to get past it. by embracing it. hating it. maybe its why i dont care, or seem like i dont care for much, or anything at all really. i have so many walls built up that maybe ive lost sight with who i am. i keep to superficial. theres a couple of people that dont apply, to the slightest degree. i believe this is good. ive always believed to never let people in. but i would know when to or how to open up, and sometimes i doubt i really can anymore. i guess i can only try.
sometimes i agree. sometimes im bested that maybe ive died inside. that ive lost all i was and simply dont care. ive been told that countless of times so maybe in a way it can be true. that ive obtained what i would jake about, maybe i am heartless at best. sounds ideal, but i sure hope not. i know i can be this way, i can take hints and i guess this is what i show, but i hope its just not permanent.
sometimes i feel i dont exist. or that, thats all i am doing, is just existing. i hate not feeling alive. i hate feelings incompetent. i feel this way even after days, nights, weeks, or nonstop "living". its like when your young and you get 5 dollars. and you feel like you have the whole world in your hands. like youre right up there with bill gates. and as you get older, 5 dollars is just pocket change. and five hundred is damn near broke. and the money escalates and the importance falls. i feel life just isnt enough. im afraid someday nothing will be.
sometimes im amazed how some people are so happy all the time. i dont know how its done. maybe its that they actually are or someone who not only keeps there head above water, but above the clouds. maybe its being so carefree. and maybe its all just a cover up, and people hide from the world. where distractions and denial are what get them through the day. i sure do hope its not the last, but slowly ive come to realize how ugly this place can be.
sometimes i remember how, or who, i used to be.
and sometimes that just makes me hate who i am today.
i dont really want to post this, but i feel i should post something. and im trying to stick to my "typewriter act"
keep in mind this is sometimes.
the void, the gaps, the cracks that can be found in a person who lives their very own life. with a strong devotion for life, and the people who stick around. a person who believes that there is hope in a better tomorrow. a beat and broken love romantic, found heartless and hatred. who can find amusement and entertainment in a day spent unspent. a person who still can feel, fighting fading away.
sometimes i agree. sometimes im bested that maybe ive died inside. that ive lost all i was and simply dont care. ive been told that countless of times so maybe in a way it can be true. that ive obtained what i would jake about, maybe i am heartless at best. sounds ideal, but i sure hope not. i know i can be this way, i can take hints and i guess this is what i show, but i hope its just not permanent.
sometimes i feel i dont exist. or that, thats all i am doing, is just existing. i hate not feeling alive. i hate feelings incompetent. i feel this way even after days, nights, weeks, or nonstop "living". its like when your young and you get 5 dollars. and you feel like you have the whole world in your hands. like youre right up there with bill gates. and as you get older, 5 dollars is just pocket change. and five hundred is damn near broke. and the money escalates and the importance falls. i feel life just isnt enough. im afraid someday nothing will be.
sometimes im amazed how some people are so happy all the time. i dont know how its done. maybe its that they actually are or someone who not only keeps there head above water, but above the clouds. maybe its being so carefree. and maybe its all just a cover up, and people hide from the world. where distractions and denial are what get them through the day. i sure do hope its not the last, but slowly ive come to realize how ugly this place can be.
sometimes i remember how, or who, i used to be.
and sometimes that just makes me hate who i am today.
i dont really want to post this, but i feel i should post something. and im trying to stick to my "typewriter act"
keep in mind this is sometimes.
the void, the gaps, the cracks that can be found in a person who lives their very own life. with a strong devotion for life, and the people who stick around. a person who believes that there is hope in a better tomorrow. a beat and broken love romantic, found heartless and hatred. who can find amusement and entertainment in a day spent unspent. a person who still can feel, fighting fading away.
Friday
diamnds
cause sometimes its easier to pick up the fruit thats fallen from the limbs, than to reach for the apple of your eye. i guess it all matters to your preferences. are you happy with temporary and always searching. or happy with a constant and always knowing.
when it comes down to it, these two paths are our choice.
for myself, a life of happiness is more appealing. i try everyday to get closer and closer to this, living so fast i simply dont have time to think of the past, or worry of the future. this life does not seem to fill myself with anything, except temporary happiness and stress. i have always searched for a life of meaning, searched for the path, the signs to get there, but i end up lost. i suppose it is not my time to ask which path i would like, but that doesnt mean i cant try.
and when i really sit and think about that quote, i believe its about growing up, not towards those options, but apart. so young all we can really care for is to be happy, and to just live. but there comes a time when happiness isnt strong enough. and we must proceed in finding meaning. we must proceed with living. and to have both i do believe is impossible to obtain together.
maybe these days of collecting rocks are near done and finished off
and ill kick around and climb for the diamond that rests at the top
when it comes down to it, these two paths are our choice.
" There comes a time when a man has to ask himself whether he wants a life of happiness or a life of meaning... Two very different paths. To be truly happy, a man must live absolutely in the present, no thought of what's gone before and no thought of what lies ahead. But a life with meaning, a man is condemned to wallow in the past and obsess about the future. "yes its from heroes danny.
for myself, a life of happiness is more appealing. i try everyday to get closer and closer to this, living so fast i simply dont have time to think of the past, or worry of the future. this life does not seem to fill myself with anything, except temporary happiness and stress. i have always searched for a life of meaning, searched for the path, the signs to get there, but i end up lost. i suppose it is not my time to ask which path i would like, but that doesnt mean i cant try.
and when i really sit and think about that quote, i believe its about growing up, not towards those options, but apart. so young all we can really care for is to be happy, and to just live. but there comes a time when happiness isnt strong enough. and we must proceed in finding meaning. we must proceed with living. and to have both i do believe is impossible to obtain together.
maybe these days of collecting rocks are near done and finished off
and ill kick around and climb for the diamond that rests at the top
Thursday
how long is the night?
a normal sleep pattern is all i want. waking up at 7 or 8 in the morning feels great. i love making my own breakfast, or enjoying a bowl of cereal if we have any, and sometimes going to to chevron for coffee or a white mocha at java makers with a cigarette. just that atmosphere feels amazing and im in a great mood all day.
im scared of the night. im scared to sleep sometimes. when i try and i start to, right before im out, my eyes open wide. im fully conscious except for the fact that i cannot move. lately it hurts and i hear screaming. so it is not my fault that i cannot sleep at times! this has been occurring more often and im just always tired, even if i slept forever the night before. which comes to the idea that i have narcolepsy, or something. fuck.
another thought from today, i want to be able to use 100% of my brain and not just 10%. the possibilities! telekinesis! telepathy! being able to know everyones thoughts, to know who is true, to know the ugly truth. im sure if this would happen id become so isolated id kill myself, but my brain wouldnt let me probably and id take over the world!
and i hate the central valley scene. cvhc. hardcore is not about fights, and being tough. fuck crews. this is not what its about. even if cvhc doesnt classify the band as hardcore(which none are hardcore!), but apart of this scene, fuck this scene for being about fights, negativity, and hatred. im a pretty negative person myself, but fuck this! every kid goes to these shows for the same reason. cause there fucking bored. and better yet because its the only place they feel alive. and yet they are beat down upon for no reason. its ok to have a title. its ok to play the music. but everything else, grow up. and thats coming from me!
i want a scrubs tattoo... that would be awesome. or the friends central perk logo. hell yes.
i remember working at olive garden as a busser, and just spending 4 or 5 hours rolling silverware. id over hear all the gossip about customers, employees, and everyones personal life. i would imagine i was on some sort of sitcom that was based off the restaurant and revolved around everything the narrative busser(me) would hear. a few main characters that were friends, foes, bosses, that sorta deal. i dont know, i always thought it was kinda neat. yes i said neat.
speaking of neat. sloppy joes at basically hamburgers, but not a patty! its ground beef thats not made into a patty and left, just that, beef. i want to make a patty, with the same spices and sauce as sloppy joe meat, and call it a "neat" joe. hahahahahahaahaha
wow this is alot.
someone come save my life.
im scared of the night. im scared to sleep sometimes. when i try and i start to, right before im out, my eyes open wide. im fully conscious except for the fact that i cannot move. lately it hurts and i hear screaming. so it is not my fault that i cannot sleep at times! this has been occurring more often and im just always tired, even if i slept forever the night before. which comes to the idea that i have narcolepsy, or something. fuck.
another thought from today, i want to be able to use 100% of my brain and not just 10%. the possibilities! telekinesis! telepathy! being able to know everyones thoughts, to know who is true, to know the ugly truth. im sure if this would happen id become so isolated id kill myself, but my brain wouldnt let me probably and id take over the world!
and i hate the central valley scene. cvhc. hardcore is not about fights, and being tough. fuck crews. this is not what its about. even if cvhc doesnt classify the band as hardcore(which none are hardcore!), but apart of this scene, fuck this scene for being about fights, negativity, and hatred. im a pretty negative person myself, but fuck this! every kid goes to these shows for the same reason. cause there fucking bored. and better yet because its the only place they feel alive. and yet they are beat down upon for no reason. its ok to have a title. its ok to play the music. but everything else, grow up. and thats coming from me!
i want a scrubs tattoo... that would be awesome. or the friends central perk logo. hell yes.
i remember working at olive garden as a busser, and just spending 4 or 5 hours rolling silverware. id over hear all the gossip about customers, employees, and everyones personal life. i would imagine i was on some sort of sitcom that was based off the restaurant and revolved around everything the narrative busser(me) would hear. a few main characters that were friends, foes, bosses, that sorta deal. i dont know, i always thought it was kinda neat. yes i said neat.
speaking of neat. sloppy joes at basically hamburgers, but not a patty! its ground beef thats not made into a patty and left, just that, beef. i want to make a patty, with the same spices and sauce as sloppy joe meat, and call it a "neat" joe. hahahahahahaahaha
wow this is alot.
someone come save my life.
Monday
sometimes
i feel like i have to live up to some sort of expectation.
there's been a bar set in my life, that i feel i'll never be able to reach.
this actually might be normal.
its just some people expect my to have answers to questions that only they can really know. some people expect me to hold so much together for the sake of the family. that i'm supposed to be overall amazing or something.
but really all i can see in the mirror is a broken reflection that's losing meaning in so much.
could it be too much for me to ask to find someone who can answer my questions?
and really i dont have the motivation to look.
the strength to care.
sometimes..
there's been a bar set in my life, that i feel i'll never be able to reach.
this actually might be normal.
its just some people expect my to have answers to questions that only they can really know. some people expect me to hold so much together for the sake of the family. that i'm supposed to be overall amazing or something.
but really all i can see in the mirror is a broken reflection that's losing meaning in so much.
could it be too much for me to ask to find someone who can answer my questions?
and really i dont have the motivation to look.
the strength to care.
sometimes..
always move fast
so ive been trying to keep busy.
doing no matter what.
and it actually keeps me away from my thoughts, for the most part.
its nice, except i cant help but feel.. stressed? i want to say that, but i dont know if its the right word..
like im so behind on things, or that im forgetting something. when we all know, thats ridiculous! i have nothing in my life really! which makes me think more.. ugh
i dont know, its really strange.
but i have an interview!
pleasepleaseplease!
eh i cant type something i like. ive sat here typing and deleting random thoughts.
so.
good day sir!
doing no matter what.
and it actually keeps me away from my thoughts, for the most part.
its nice, except i cant help but feel.. stressed? i want to say that, but i dont know if its the right word..
like im so behind on things, or that im forgetting something. when we all know, thats ridiculous! i have nothing in my life really! which makes me think more.. ugh
i dont know, its really strange.
but i have an interview!
pleasepleaseplease!
eh i cant type something i like. ive sat here typing and deleting random thoughts.
so.
good day sir!
Sunday
change
why hate.
i do still hate a lot of things.
but its grown apart of my "i dont care" list.
if it doesnt directly involve myself, or someone close, i dont care too much about it.
simple.
everything great,
for the most part.
rumspringer baby!
i do still hate a lot of things.
but its grown apart of my "i dont care" list.
if it doesnt directly involve myself, or someone close, i dont care too much about it.
simple.
everything great,
for the most part.
rumspringer baby!
Wednesday
Tuesday
its cold
i think theres one person i can trust.
which i dont completely.
and maybe another, which strangely i can cause they've broken that already so why would they again?
(reference) haha
anyways,
i constantly fight the fact of being happy and im so trapped inside my head that nothing is a little thing. but ive duct taped that voice, for the meantime, and am just doing things that actually make myself happy. and, cliche and hella gay, i just dont give a fuck. lawlz.
today was good, strange because i did nothing, but i hungout with my older brother. and not just at home. bessie, my car, is working again and we went out and rounded up some applications. but it was nice. still unsure on how close we can get from everything thats happened.. i dont want to get into that. but those who know, know.
which i dont completely.
and maybe another, which strangely i can cause they've broken that already so why would they again?
(reference) haha
anyways,
i constantly fight the fact of being happy and im so trapped inside my head that nothing is a little thing. but ive duct taped that voice, for the meantime, and am just doing things that actually make myself happy. and, cliche and hella gay, i just dont give a fuck. lawlz.
today was good, strange because i did nothing, but i hungout with my older brother. and not just at home. bessie, my car, is working again and we went out and rounded up some applications. but it was nice. still unsure on how close we can get from everything thats happened.. i dont want to get into that. but those who know, know.
Monday
Sunday
depth
and i just see this differently.
i see more clearly.
"i had to grow up man, its time to grow up!"
great couple of nights
i see more clearly.
"i had to grow up man, its time to grow up!"
great couple of nights
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
