sometimes.. again

sometimes i wonder if prevent myself from being happy because im used to just the opposite. im so used to it that ive adapted to trying to get past it. by embracing it. hating it. maybe its why i dont care, or seem like i dont care for much, or anything at all really. i have so many walls built up that maybe ive lost sight with who i am. i keep to superficial. theres a couple of people that dont apply, to the slightest degree. i believe this is good. ive always believed to never let people in. but i would know when to or how to open up, and sometimes i doubt i really can anymore. i guess i can only try.

sometimes i agree. sometimes im bested that maybe ive died inside. that ive lost all i was and simply dont care. ive been told that countless of times so maybe in a way it can be true. that ive obtained what i would jake about, maybe i am heartless at best. sounds ideal, but i sure hope not. i know i can be this way, i can take hints and i guess this is what i show, but i hope its just not permanent.

sometimes i feel i dont exist. or that, thats all i am doing, is just existing. i hate not feeling alive. i hate feelings incompetent. i feel this way even after days, nights, weeks, or nonstop "living". its like when your young and you get 5 dollars. and you feel like you have the whole world in your hands. like youre right up there with bill gates. and as you get older, 5 dollars is just pocket change. and five hundred is damn near broke. and the money escalates and the importance falls. i feel life just isnt enough. im afraid someday nothing will be.

sometimes im amazed how some people are so happy all the time. i dont know how its done. maybe its that they actually are or someone who not only keeps there head above water, but above the clouds. maybe its being so carefree. and maybe its all just a cover up, and people hide from the world. where distractions and denial are what get them through the day. i sure do hope its not the last, but slowly ive come to realize how ugly this place can be.

sometimes i remember how, or who, i used to be.
and sometimes that just makes me hate who i am today.



i dont really want to post this, but i feel i should post something. and im trying to stick to my "typewriter act"

keep in mind this is sometimes.

the void, the gaps, the cracks that can be found in a person who lives their very own life. with a strong devotion for life, and the people who stick around. a person who believes that there is hope in a better tomorrow. a beat and broken love romantic, found heartless and hatred. who can find amusement and entertainment in a day spent unspent. a person who still can feel, fighting fading away.