fresh

make something of myself in 2009.
just gotta keep whos already here, here.
fuck the rest.

"But I say to you, love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you,"

smart.
but do not say gods words.
these a people who can see for themselves but too young to understand that.
we dont need god.
gave us life?
i gave myself this life.

anyways.



and i have to do better on my part with you.
your still here after everything.
honestly.
i love you.

just like the rest

you make me feel so incredibly helpless. worthless.



nothing.

deck the halls

it really does not feel like chrstmas to me. at all.
not even close.

over it

i dont know if ive ever actually admitted it, but i missed who i was and everything before i turned 19. who i became in highschool and a year following it. priding myself on the destruction of personal morals, responsibility for my own actions and submitting to the "american dream".
now i am honestly disgusted in what i was becoming, what i became. i dont know if im any different, but the face that i realize my own faults, i can overcome myself.

sick

possessed so greatly this ability that we pride
individuality's just a deception, a mask we use to hide
covering a horrifying beauty to who we really are
protecting your fragile mind from its honest scars
i cant begin to explain this man-made disgust
to every life we encounter we devour, we infest
i hold so dear and close this hatred, this distrust
you'll never understand there's nothing more nothing less
step down, this hierarchy doesnt exisit
were every bit as useless, as remarkable we make ourselves to be
understand and take a real look at your society
dreams are more reality than life can ever begin
nightmares are what our eyes prevent from our vision
so take the liberty and do it yourself
gouge out these eyes and welcome this hell


i dont remember what made me write that but it reminds me of something


i dont know why i got so down that im where i am and your where you are now.
im happy ive fallen this low and not become who you are now.
its disgusting. but its ok. you all can think your so damn cool.

like ew

shut the fuck up.
you go to a hardcore show and you get pissed off if you get hit.
dont fucking show then.

a place for friends.
a place to feel connected, belonged.
to release all your negative energy and hate in a positive environment. sorta.


remember what this music first meant to you.
if it ever meant anything at all.

frostbit

this frozen air has never felt so comforting.

i really feel like im wasting away. yes i know its my fault but its really hard to do anything about it. pessimistic outlook yes. but im generally fading with a smile so its still optimistic living. lawlz. anyways! on top of this recession and nowhere hiring. bessie has taken a dive and i need to fix her again, with the no money i have, to even continue on my job search.

i feel like this all has taken a toll on me. i get nervous now and im in my head way too much. i always have been but i really need to stop thinking sometimes. my confidence and personality has dropped significantly, to the point where i actually notice it. and from all angles of my life i get "do you even care? you act like nothing phases you". and to be honest, im finding it hard to care about anything. all this resent i have for my life just consumes me.

now dont get me wrong i still have the aspects that always make me happy in my life still. my friends are always there. and me and tami have been doing way better. but i look around everywhere and i see progress, development, growth, life. all of that until i look in the mirror.

i only know to keep my head above water, because i know ill always be in the water. ive always wanted way more than i can ever have, but i think thats natural, thats human. our desires take control and give us everything we need to thread out our dreams into our life. even at the cost of corrupting our minds and making exactly what we need insignificant.

you'd think that when all you have is what you need, that you will finally see that all your desires and wants are not important to whats actually keeping you alive and healthy. but im here right now and ive discovered this just makes me want it all back even more. is this really being alive?
being content?




"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe well never know most of them. but even if we dont have the power to choose where we came from, we can still choose where we go from there."


and i will get back there. better than ever.

this is my december

it doesnt feel like the holidays.

its crazy how much not having a job completely changed me and how i feel about things.


anyways.

i got lorelei (my playstation 3) yes i named her.
ok so after a year of having her im playing online finally.
and well i havent stopped for 4 hours, well to post this. lawlz

toolbox

"Every person is a book with thousands of pages and on each lies an irreparable truth."



personality flaws make us. and break us. can they really be fixed..

kersed

"Pack your fists full of hate, take a swing at the world.
These kids stick to themselves, carry angst in their words. "


why i hate the people i love.

• you need to grow up.
• get off your fucking high horse.
• sometimes i dont really know if i can trust what you say.
• stop bitching, life wont get easier.
• i never see you anymore, i made efforts now its your turn.
• you dont give a fuck! but i love it.
• your kinda creepy.
• clean yourself up.

can go for more than one person.
and myself actually. i see myself in everyone i love. they help me. even if i dont ask i can just see and i have everything i need. actually its like when i catch scrubs on tv, its always the episode that i need to hear.

strikes and gutters

"if we wanna see a better day well find a way
nobody can take away the strength we have"


i miss when things had meaning.


today i caught the universe on history. i dont like keeping up with tv shows. if so i watch them online when i find the time, or motivation. but anyways they were talking about the possibility of another galaxy containing another solar system holding another earth sheltering societies and people alike. we just havent been able to see it because its so far. like the the stars we see when we look up, we actually see the light they give off about 20 years ago. thats really crazy to me, but we havent seen any light from this solar system because its so far away we havent seen that light yet. for as long as astronomy, the earth, has existed. these theories have only been accepted when the universe has been thought of as infinite. more theories are about parallel universes where every possible outcome of our life has actually happened but in a different universe. somewhere i still have a job! haha! i have not been glued to the tv for that long in a while.
when i can afford to go back to school i want to take an astrology class, even knowing they can be them most boring classes to take. but i dont want to take it as a major at all. im thinking i want to be a psychiatrist. i want to make something of myself finally.


I WISH I COULD SLEEP

half full half empty

i live the life of an optimist, yet view life as a pessimist.

simple.

i live my life for me.

straight hate.