frostbit

this frozen air has never felt so comforting.

i really feel like im wasting away. yes i know its my fault but its really hard to do anything about it. pessimistic outlook yes. but im generally fading with a smile so its still optimistic living. lawlz. anyways! on top of this recession and nowhere hiring. bessie has taken a dive and i need to fix her again, with the no money i have, to even continue on my job search.

i feel like this all has taken a toll on me. i get nervous now and im in my head way too much. i always have been but i really need to stop thinking sometimes. my confidence and personality has dropped significantly, to the point where i actually notice it. and from all angles of my life i get "do you even care? you act like nothing phases you". and to be honest, im finding it hard to care about anything. all this resent i have for my life just consumes me.

now dont get me wrong i still have the aspects that always make me happy in my life still. my friends are always there. and me and tami have been doing way better. but i look around everywhere and i see progress, development, growth, life. all of that until i look in the mirror.

i only know to keep my head above water, because i know ill always be in the water. ive always wanted way more than i can ever have, but i think thats natural, thats human. our desires take control and give us everything we need to thread out our dreams into our life. even at the cost of corrupting our minds and making exactly what we need insignificant.

you'd think that when all you have is what you need, that you will finally see that all your desires and wants are not important to whats actually keeping you alive and healthy. but im here right now and ive discovered this just makes me want it all back even more. is this really being alive?
being content?




"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe well never know most of them. but even if we dont have the power to choose where we came from, we can still choose where we go from there."


and i will get back there. better than ever.