stop, stop, stop tearing me open
just right when im no longer in
i always know when im back on your mind
these scars youve left seem to hurt every time
please let my eyes close tonight
its done, im done i swear that i am fine
every frown, every tear, you give to me, what for?
when every smile, every laugh, theyre all his to ignore
tonight you remember who i am
tomorrow its always 'whats his name?'
and ill tell you with my hand that a long time ago this ended
whether you smile or not isnt a burden for me to mend
Saturday
Friday
I'm a realist I'm a romantic I'm an indecisive piece of shit
its not just one, i guess its all of it. i dont remember what they were exactly, just..
i feel like i have two sides when it comes to this. theres this hopeful person inside of me. one that is willing to hand over their heart given a chance to do so. one that will stand up for love when its not insight. the person i used to be i know is still here.
and there is another side. a darkened and damaged person who never admits to emotion. a hollowed chest member of the loveless whatever. who is fine being alone. who cant even manage to get close to someone. the person im becoming and maybe have already.
no side really has a greater pull. which really is in between who i was and am now. which leads a lot to my indecisiveness and blahblah. i say i am hopeful and i really try to be on every aspect in life. ( in a real sense, get over your god) i like to believe in love, even at times when its not for me. and that kicks in the other, i cant get close to someone, and i know i should like a girl, ill even say "wtf, why dont i like her". but even that statement brings back the other side. and that statement is a realization that i feel it, and that realization alone is enough to say "hey, you fucking like her you fuck" and ill throw in my analysis on girls which list reason after reason why a relationship is not the boat i want to be in. but who the fuck am i kidding, its all i really want. give me the chase, give me the challenge, give me your stubborn fucking self and make me rip my hair out! no id rather be alone. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
EXACTLY
i had no idea this other side had an existence really. but i said in a blog before that there are all kinda of trauma.
i love lord of the rings and this just reminds me a smeagol/gollum. yes.
i feel like i have two sides when it comes to this. theres this hopeful person inside of me. one that is willing to hand over their heart given a chance to do so. one that will stand up for love when its not insight. the person i used to be i know is still here.
and there is another side. a darkened and damaged person who never admits to emotion. a hollowed chest member of the loveless whatever. who is fine being alone. who cant even manage to get close to someone. the person im becoming and maybe have already.
no side really has a greater pull. which really is in between who i was and am now. which leads a lot to my indecisiveness and blahblah. i say i am hopeful and i really try to be on every aspect in life. ( in a real sense, get over your god) i like to believe in love, even at times when its not for me. and that kicks in the other, i cant get close to someone, and i know i should like a girl, ill even say "wtf, why dont i like her". but even that statement brings back the other side. and that statement is a realization that i feel it, and that realization alone is enough to say "hey, you fucking like her you fuck" and ill throw in my analysis on girls which list reason after reason why a relationship is not the boat i want to be in. but who the fuck am i kidding, its all i really want. give me the chase, give me the challenge, give me your stubborn fucking self and make me rip my hair out! no id rather be alone. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
EXACTLY
i had no idea this other side had an existence really. but i said in a blog before that there are all kinda of trauma.
i love lord of the rings and this just reminds me a smeagol/gollum. yes.
Monday
sinking
storytime. because i can never just simply say what i feel or think.
before i fell asleep last night i forgot to lock the door. i wake up to a stale chilled air, slightly familiar, but not welcoming. before my eyes can focus on the walls around me and my feet touch the floor, i feel that crawling on the back of my neck. the door has been kicked wide open, nearly off the hinges. i have forgot the lock. a night with an open door, open to all the bugs, creatures, shadows, and screams of the night. immediately i am rushed with anger and swing at the beasts that have taken refuge in my home. nested and burrowed deeply are the creatures i constantly force and keep out. and that "im going to hate today" feeling i had felt even before i was awake has taken hold.
my fists clenched tightly, gripping freshly torn hair, i begin this cleaning process. cursing down the walls around me, picking fights at the smiles around, trying to find blame in a room with no mirror. first things first, i get the simple things out. things ive already ridden that like to creep back in. nostalgia cant help but sink in as im throwing it right back out. the familiar brush against the grain upon my finger tips. its hard to sort through the "clearly in the way once held treasures of the past." i found myself sitting against a wall holding these sought items, lost in the maps of then and now. regaining my grip of today as the sun stood where no shadows could be found, i throw out the rest knowing these gold pieces are now nothing more than bronze coated whatever.
after kicking and throwing back out the shadows of whenever, i now had the room to suck out the bone chilling screams. very difficult to get all the way out without hearing those haunting whispers. instead of being thrown into rage im brought to a stop with their words repeating and repeating in an eerie voice. the more and more i trek through the howls and growls the harder it is to to know where i am and why, i am. thrown off balance i stumble off trail. now aimlessly threading through streets i never wanted to feel, let alone see, again. a reality check to exactly what kind of nothing i am and will forever become. as the streets become dark, and the lights no longer pierce the night i am able to feel the fire that reminds me to breathe. to embrace my lack of motivation and actions to through caution at bay, dropping the map to the ground and venture out of the streets knowing no sort of direction. and now the trash bins overflowing and bags and bags from the vacuum lining the wall.
resting casual again in my comfort of home are the creatures that have slayed me down to the core. just the sight is difficult to bare, memories even worse. they are all the same and everywhere, i dont think i can escape. the similarities shine so bright they cannot be ignored to those who still walk the light. anger is too small of a word to describe the hate radiating from my eyes to fist. every flesh wound entered begins to open and stain blood red on the back of my shirt. so cold if the beat in my chest still had existed could push tears tinted with hate down my face. holding such items im brought to a locked grip. a soothing feel of cotton rest in my palm. the detested sent floats to my senses and im brought to the ground. i must hurry to bury these back. hung back up and not to be touched again i am close with one last.
i can not run from, not cleanse these walls, floor, nor skin with the bugs that burrow deep. quickly manifest and spread to every inch of myself. the disgust of the crawl, tick and buzz i cannot handle. a long life has never been granted to such evils, but an eternal scar branded upon anything it touches has its own life. no soap or spray can rid these marks of my skin. scar tissue waving like a flag draped across my flesh neighbored to the ink of me. i will never be rid of these. swept up and thrown into the closet, piles upon piles i shut the door. my trash, my burden i can not pass on to decompose become once again. the closet fills quickly and i must remember to lock the door so this mess does not spill out another night.
bringing everything i am back up right. rising to my feet again with the sun, i have locked the door again. its a haunting that must be overcome. calming tunes drown the air and the rest of my mind. brought back up to surface i can wave without drowning. realizing what you mean to me is more than i can ever say, well at least as much that i know right now. but who am i if i didnt say i dont care.
before i fell asleep last night i forgot to lock the door. i wake up to a stale chilled air, slightly familiar, but not welcoming. before my eyes can focus on the walls around me and my feet touch the floor, i feel that crawling on the back of my neck. the door has been kicked wide open, nearly off the hinges. i have forgot the lock. a night with an open door, open to all the bugs, creatures, shadows, and screams of the night. immediately i am rushed with anger and swing at the beasts that have taken refuge in my home. nested and burrowed deeply are the creatures i constantly force and keep out. and that "im going to hate today" feeling i had felt even before i was awake has taken hold.
my fists clenched tightly, gripping freshly torn hair, i begin this cleaning process. cursing down the walls around me, picking fights at the smiles around, trying to find blame in a room with no mirror. first things first, i get the simple things out. things ive already ridden that like to creep back in. nostalgia cant help but sink in as im throwing it right back out. the familiar brush against the grain upon my finger tips. its hard to sort through the "clearly in the way once held treasures of the past." i found myself sitting against a wall holding these sought items, lost in the maps of then and now. regaining my grip of today as the sun stood where no shadows could be found, i throw out the rest knowing these gold pieces are now nothing more than bronze coated whatever.
after kicking and throwing back out the shadows of whenever, i now had the room to suck out the bone chilling screams. very difficult to get all the way out without hearing those haunting whispers. instead of being thrown into rage im brought to a stop with their words repeating and repeating in an eerie voice. the more and more i trek through the howls and growls the harder it is to to know where i am and why, i am. thrown off balance i stumble off trail. now aimlessly threading through streets i never wanted to feel, let alone see, again. a reality check to exactly what kind of nothing i am and will forever become. as the streets become dark, and the lights no longer pierce the night i am able to feel the fire that reminds me to breathe. to embrace my lack of motivation and actions to through caution at bay, dropping the map to the ground and venture out of the streets knowing no sort of direction. and now the trash bins overflowing and bags and bags from the vacuum lining the wall.
resting casual again in my comfort of home are the creatures that have slayed me down to the core. just the sight is difficult to bare, memories even worse. they are all the same and everywhere, i dont think i can escape. the similarities shine so bright they cannot be ignored to those who still walk the light. anger is too small of a word to describe the hate radiating from my eyes to fist. every flesh wound entered begins to open and stain blood red on the back of my shirt. so cold if the beat in my chest still had existed could push tears tinted with hate down my face. holding such items im brought to a locked grip. a soothing feel of cotton rest in my palm. the detested sent floats to my senses and im brought to the ground. i must hurry to bury these back. hung back up and not to be touched again i am close with one last.
i can not run from, not cleanse these walls, floor, nor skin with the bugs that burrow deep. quickly manifest and spread to every inch of myself. the disgust of the crawl, tick and buzz i cannot handle. a long life has never been granted to such evils, but an eternal scar branded upon anything it touches has its own life. no soap or spray can rid these marks of my skin. scar tissue waving like a flag draped across my flesh neighbored to the ink of me. i will never be rid of these. swept up and thrown into the closet, piles upon piles i shut the door. my trash, my burden i can not pass on to decompose become once again. the closet fills quickly and i must remember to lock the door so this mess does not spill out another night.
bringing everything i am back up right. rising to my feet again with the sun, i have locked the door again. its a haunting that must be overcome. calming tunes drown the air and the rest of my mind. brought back up to surface i can wave without drowning. realizing what you mean to me is more than i can ever say, well at least as much that i know right now. but who am i if i didnt say i dont care.
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