less than three

I don't think this is good, but i wish i had a balcony, or even a window seal to sit up on. So every night I can watch the silhouettes of trees form as the sky lightens to begin the day. Just sitting staring out into nothing, the soft vibrations from my ipod, a build up of gas station coffee cups, some filled to the lid with put out cigarettes(ewww, shut up). I do not think this would be good, in regards to trying to escape my mind, but maybe given a peaceful spot I can come to peace with my mind.

I spent my night marathoning. I watched the two scrubs seasons i have, so far what has aired for season 8, Garden State, and The Last Kiss. I had an enjoyable Zach Braff night. While finishing The Last Kiss, a strange realization occurred to me. I am disgusted with love. Or at least made extremely uncomfortable with being completely open and vulnerable with someone else. I know what your thinking, "what in the world is so strange about that?". If you knew who I was or how i was say three or four years ago, I would support "love conquers all." Today, terms such as "heartless" appeal to me. "oh you've just grown up", "its because your past relationships" shut up. I constantly feel like I want to, need to be with someone. This is not just me being lonely. I want a real relationship, but no way can I bring myself to express, or show that. And to top off the strangeness, Mr. Heartless melts to love songs. LOVE SONGS! I just want to tap into and discover what is exactly cutting me off from my feelings.

Being that I am on the subject; what exactly drives someone to stay with someone else for so long? Is it that the person is "in love" or they just benefit from it? Is it because they are just so comfortable with them they are afraid and dont know what else there is? How long does "love" last? I know I have seen it die in as little as a few days and live for a lifetime. Love changes, and the person you fell in it with changes as well. do they spend so much time together they dont notice the change? or one just decided to adapt when they noticed the little changes. maybe its all of this.

Is the person you want the most, the person that's the best for you? and is the person that is best for you, the person you want the most? sometimes i think love is more of settling than anything else. "we accept the love we think we deserve"

i really dont know. this has been a draft and i felt like posting it.